I’m a happily married dating coach who has helped a countess number of men and women meet, date, and marry the people right for them. I have practically fallen in love with every person I have ever worked with and when I first read this article my initial instinct was to want to protect them from the mean-ness and cynicism in her words. But, Tracy McMillan makes several points that I agree with and that inspired me to write this blog post.
If you choose to read her be warned that it was written by a woman who is a writer for TV shows. She considers herself a “jailhouse lawyer of relationships ” based on the fact that she has been married three times to the wrong men due to her own “need for security.” I’d like to respond to each of her 6 reasons that she proposes are the reasons you are not married, and I’d love to hear your responses to each of her points as well.
#1 (You’re a bitch) I’ve always said that healthy and confident people will only be with other healthy confident people. I also deeply believe that if you aren’t grateful for the people you have been romantically involved with and you aren’t excited about meeting someone new, it’s possible you may be giving off the wrong vibes and turning off the very people you wish to attract. The process of changing your attitude isn’t easy; it requires you to take personal responsibility for your actions, forgive yourself and others, and remain open to possibilities. Every day I see people developing these beautiful and irresistibly attractive qualities and if they can do it, you can too.
Also, it isn’t that healthy and confident men these days are afraid of angry women. It is just that healthy and confident men want to enjoy their lives and are not interested in drama.
#2 (You’re shallow) When some women first come to me they have patterns of dating a certain type of man over and over and all of their relationships have ended for similar reasons. These same women often come to me with a long lists of specific qualities the man they are looking for must have. But upon investigation, we often find that the qualities they think they want are inevitably the same qualities which lead to the relationship ending. It is only after a woman does introspection and figures out what is truly important to her that she breaks out of her negative pattern and meets a man she truly wants to spend her time with.
#3 (You’re a slut) The only way to say “yes” to the amazing man you will spend your life with, is to say “no” to any man who isn’t. Being selective and reserving your precious time and energy for men who are worthy of you is crucial.
#4 (You’re a liar) There is nothing more exciting than when a man who knows what he wants meets a woman who knows what she wants, and they both want the same things. Waiting for an unavailable man to suddenly become available is just not a smart use of your precious time and energy. It is very important to accept what stage a man is in. Even though he may have some amazing qualities, if he can’t give you what you want most then he is not someone who you want to be with.
#5 (You’re selfish) It is important to make room both psychologically and physically to give to your future man. One step you can take now is to forgive the men you have been romantically involved with in the past. Another step you can take is to look at your busy schedule and see what you can let go of so you can free up time to interact with the world around you.
On a different note, I agree with the writer that any woman after a certain age who doesn’t have a baby should very seriously consider having one. However, I don’t agree that a husband will easily come along shortly after having a baby. In my experiences as a dating coach, I have not seen that happen.
#6 (You’re not good enough) The sexiest trait any man or woman can have is confidence and as I mentioned earlier a healthy confident man will only be with a healthy and confident woman. If right now you aren’t feeling like a million bucks, I recommend investing the time and energy to do so. It will make you happy and it will make you more attractive to a quality man.
I believe that a tremendous part of being happy involves being grateful for what you do have. One relatively quick and easy way to start feeling more grateful is to create a gratitude/success journal. Every day write down 5 things you are grateful for and 5 things you did successfully that day, even if it is just brushing your teeth. I also recommend that you create a vision board with photographs of the lifestyle you want to live. Post it somewhere you will see it often and commit to making decisions that bring you closer to living that lifestyle.
On a final note, I agree with Ms. McMillan that every woman who wants a great partner can find one. I also agree with her that marriage is a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone and an opportunity to be kind, truthful, giving, and accepting. So, as you can see I believe Ms. McMillan brought up some great points, I just wish she wrote her article in a kinder fashion.
What are your thoughts on what was discussed? I’d love to continue the dialogue!